In a special session today, April 1, the House of Representatives voted overwhelmingly to set up a reasonable timetable to withdraw troops from Iraq.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't realize," said Rep. Tom Fuelery (R-AM). "Bush just kept telling us how well things were going, and I didn't have time to read the newspaper or listen to my constituents. Imagine my surprise when I finally sat down during the March recess to read my emails! My gosh, there were literally thousands of messages from people who don't like the war! Just tons from this WAND organization. Apparently, they say -- and there's a lot of data to back this up -- the war is not going well, at all. Who knew? It just changed my mind right away."

Other Representatives concurred with this opinion. "You just get so caught up in believing in our progress," said Rep. H.J. Res (D-AC). "But I was getting these emails, and I sensed something wasn't right. Do you know that lots of people are calling it a 'quagmire'? Well, these are my constituents, and darn it, I'm willing to go out on a limb for them. So I introduced some new legislation, and it turned out lots of my fellow Members feel the same way!"

In a surprise move, the Senate rushed through a resolution to pull out of Iraq as soon as possible, and sent the bill directly to the President's desk.

President Wush is reported to be surprised at the move, but he noted that "Well, I did say we had accomplished our mission there, didn't I? and then we didn't find any of those WMD thingies. So maybe it's a good idea to leave already." Sec. Tumsfeld reportedly muttered, "Not on my watch," as he was observed striding toward the Senate with a strange black briefcase with a large red button.

"My gosh, what a lot of numbers," noted Wush. "When I finally got a chance to look at it, I was stunned. Do you realize we're still pouring money into missile defense? And it looks like it's never actually worked? What are we waiting for, a note from my dad already? Crazy. Just crazy."

Apparently, Wush was motivated to reexamine the budget after seeing the new movie featuring Dave Chappelle, "Block Party." At one point, the famed musician Wyclef Jean asks a young African American college student what she would do if she were president. She replies that she would stop the war; offer more scholarships; and give more money to people who need it.

"And I just thought to myself, geez, that's some good thinking," said Wush. "I mean, no one in my administration had suggested any of those things, but when you think about it, it's a good idea. I mean, the people who don't have money -- they should be the ones getting from the government, right? But when I looked at the budget, anyone can see that we're giving loads of it to defense contractors to build new-fangled helicopters and things that don't work very well. Where's the sense in that?"

In the new budget, the Pentagon share of the discretionary budget shrinks from 53% to just under 30%. "And that's still billions of dollars! We can buy a lot of stuff with that, let me tell you," said Wush. "With that 23% of the budget, you wouldn't believe what we're funding! It's amazing. Old people will get enough to eat, all our kids will get a good education, and we're doing all this neat stuff to protect our ports and build up our first responders. Believe me, it's way better than that old budget. I don't know who came up with that thing."

Rep. Bud Get (U-IM), a longtime critic of the budget, appeared at the press conference with the president. Visibly jubilant, he replied, "Duh."

"Have you seen this?" asked one irate Congressman after reading up on the nuclear deal that President Wush recently negotiated with India. "It violates the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty! Who does that? I have kids, for Pete's sake!"

Once they were notified about what the India deal meant, other Members of Congress quickly fell in line, and declared that it was just better for everyone if we got rid of the darn things once and for all.

"These are really really bad bombs," noted Rep. Tom Fuelery (R-AM). "They blow up, like a lot of things. They could kill, like, lots of people! including me! So I don't know why we don't just all agree to throw them away. Personally, I'm going to move that we send them into space, toward someplace so hot they'd just incinerate."

A group advocating disarmament visited Congress on April 1, and showed a movie that documented the devastation caused by the nuclear bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

The House and the Senate sat in stunned silence afterward. Vice President Cheinous said, "For gosh sake, we'd never do that with our new nuclear bombs. We only aim for bad people." Rep. Bud Get (U-IM) tweaked his nose.

Saying they just didn't know, the House on Saturday decided not to cut taxes on extremely wealthy people so they could pay for vital stuff in the federal budget -- rather than borrowing more and saddling the economy and future generations with an enormous national debt.

"Criminy, why didn't they tell us this before?" asked Rep. Bev Venue (I-HO). "Goodness, I know lots of people who have money to burn. They don't even know what more to buy! They have the nicest cars already, and a few of them! So they do silly things like remodeling perfectly good kitchens. I don't think they'd mind one bit pitching in a little more. They're good Americans."

Noting the unusual demands on the federal budget -- from rebuilding the Gulf Coast in the wake of Katrina to funding the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan -- a group of Senators proposed increasing revenue to match the increased outlay. "It seems unorthodox at first," said one. "But then I looked at my credit card bill and I thought, whoa! the interest is killing me! Is this happening to our federal budget as well?"

The Senate also decided to stop sending those little tax rebate checks to everyone. "Who believes that means anything?" said one. "It's like we're giving money to the parents, and taking it back again from the kids -- only we'll want more. It's kinda weird, when you think about it."

"Oops," they said at a press conference on April 1. "Turns out we were kind of making things worse around here, what with the low wages and the environmental degradation and hurting the local businesses and stuff. So we decided we'd just give loads of money to organizations that want to make things better."

WAND is at the top of the list, reportedly slated to receive several billion dollars in large bills...

Which is to say: please join us. We really do need to change the world, and as soon as possible.

(And we're not really getting any money from fatcats. It's all you, baby. Thanks!!)

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