We win the war!
"Mission accomplished," says a jubilant president as he celebrates the end of homelessness and hunger. "Five years and $500 billion, but it was worth it! History will prove us right."

Surrounded by residents of New Orleans who were displaced by Hurricane Katrina in 2005, the president declared the war on poverty is won -- five years after it began.

"It was a hard fight," the president said. "And I know it was unpopular at times. I mean, it cost more than anyone expected -- $500 billion for poor people! You shoulda seen the VP's face as he watched the counter keep ticking up! That Dick. But it was really about security and liberty, and makes it possible for us to face the future with hope and high moral standing in the world."

When the war began, the administration estimated that it would take just a few months and cost a few billion at most. They were surprised to discover how many people were unemployed, undereducated, malnourished, violently abused, homeless, ill, and mentally challenged. Critics point to faulty intelligence. "I believe it had something to do with the rose-colored glasses," says Karl Rove, who now runs a soup kitchen in downtown Milwaukee, WI.

"Heh," said the president, "Who knew that 47 million Americans (16 percent of the population), were without health insurance? That cost a bundle, I can tell ya. But how can we make a strong country if people face economic disaster if they fall ill? That's just not right, not in the richest country in the world."

The president's plan to make it possible for everyone to find a job, housing, food, and health care came under intense attack by large corporations and extremely rich people. To fund some of the programs, the president shifted billions from outdated programs that kept profits really high. He cut weapons systems that still don't work, years after their original development to fight the Cold War (such as missile defense and the Osprey helicopter).

In response, Halliburton and Raytheon spent hundreds of millions on a media campaign to prove that the president was making the U.S. vulnerable to catastrophic attacks from the Soviet Union. In 2004, a small child in the crowd pointed out that the Cold War ended before he was born -- in 1991 -- adding, "The Vice President looks chilly with no clothes."

The president responded by saying that a real security plan was about much more than a huge military machine. It was about a healthy and educated populace -- ready to face the future, respond to future attacks, and pursue an intelligent foreign policy. "You know what I believe? That national security means just that: making our citizens secure in their own homes. In the long run, it was a wise investment in peace and prosperity. History will prove us right."

The president built a broad coalition of organizations and individuals who've been working with actual not-rich human beings for decades. "This man was willing to go out on a limb and fight for what he believes, no matter how much pressure he got from the powers that be," said Marian Right, president of a children's poverty group.

"He would hear the defense contractors chanting outside the White House, and he'd just chuckle, and say 'SO?' It's that kind of courage, to stand up to the few rich and mighty who are only interested in preserving their own kingdoms, that marks a true leader of the people. Dare I say it, a true democrat, one who cares more for the welfare of the many than the interests of the few."

As lobbyists from Raytheon and Halliburton demonstrated around downtown Washington and in other parts of the country, the president spoke at a rally in New Orleans to mark the war anniversary. He gave a strong defense of his decision to go to war and continue it and linked the fighting here to the global battle against poverty.

Addressing Global Poverty

"Look, I know how hungry for blood we all were after 9/11. We wanted to find an enemy, and strike a blow. But it was plain to anyone with a modicum of intelligence that the terrorists didn't come from one country, from one region, from one place at all. We couldn't defeat them with a military strike. Instead, we had to take a good hard look at how they were grown and educated into being. And the answer was pretty much: poverty and fear and injustice. So we set about fighting the things that made those terrorists. We decided to fight a war that would improve people's lives, rather than destroy them."

The president and Congress admit that ending poverty around the globe will take longer than five years; but is essential to a future without constant war. Estimates go as high as $3 trillion. "Are we ready for that?" asked the president. "What choice do we have? This is my legacy: a commitment to peace and well being."

The surge was necessary and successful

After Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005, the president pursued a "surge" of resources to fund the war. He made the tough decision to raise taxes (rather than increasing the deficit and getting future generations into massive debt) and rebuild the infrastructure of the city's poorest regions.

"We were making good progress all over the country until that darned hurricane broke the levies," said the president. "But then people were really hurting, and we needed to rebuild houses and schools and roads and hospitals. I know it was hard for the families of the workers who were paid to do that massive cleanup; they missed their loved ones for weeks at a time, and the WiFi was not what it should have been. But national service means serving your country."

Asking for sacrifice

The president acknowledges that diverting funds from no-bid defense contracts to human beings who, like, can't see or something, made some folks unhappy.

"I feel the pain of the defense contractors, I do. I mean, I watch TV, I see the golf courses getting brown while we divert fresh water to citizens in need. It hurts. It hurts all of us. But in the long run, I turn to the good book; and Jesus clearly said, 'go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.' I want to play golf with my friends in heaven, so I'm helping us all get there! I hear the fourteenth hole is to die for. You know, literally."

The president apologized that sales of super luxury yachts and gigantic summer homes on Nantucket were down over the last few years. "Now that the economy is so much stronger than it was five years ago, though, I'm sure the very richest will get back to being super fantastically rich in a little while. And they'll be able to enjoy it more, knowing the super poor won't be asking them for handouts on their way to the opera."

And he cited Jesus again: "When you give a dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your kinsmen or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return, and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you."

Noting that crime is down; world opinion of the U.S. is way up; the roots or terrorism are being cut off; and we've saved an estimate of 4,000 lives (and 30,000 injuries), the president summed it up:

"The world is better, and the United States of America is safer."*

The president and the queen paused from eating cucumber sandwiches long enough to help two guys move back into a house in New Orleans. Now everyone has a place. Nice.

1 National Coalition on Health Care: Nearly 47 million Americans, or 16 percent of the population, were without health insurance in 2005, the latest government data available. The number of uninsured rose 2.2 million between 2005 and 2006 and has increased by almost 9 million people since 2000. The large majority of the uninsured (80 percent) are native or naturalized citizens.

2 Watch Dick's face as he says "So?" in response to White House correspondent Martha Raddatz saying two thirds of Americans oppose the Iraq war.

3 MSNBC: "As anti-war activists demonstrated around downtown Washington and in other parts of the country, the president spoke at the Defense Department to mark the war anniversary. He gave a strong defense of his decision to go to war and continue it and linked the fighting there to the global battle against al-Qaida."

4 "The Iraq War Will Cost Us $3 Trillion, and Much More," Linda J. Bilmes and Joseph E. Stiglitz in the Washington Post

* MSNBC

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